Compared with me, everything is nothing.

I suppose every job that you work at you are bound to hate at some point and there is always that one person that acts as the guise of satan.

But I have never felt more humiliated than I did yesterday.

I'm still trapped.

The neigh neigh that lives north of nowhere

I feel a waste of space. Things I have I haven’t earned. I have a good job, working with my dad. I’m happy, because of my boyfriend.

I don’t use the one thing I feel particularly good at and I’ve given up on what I love most. The neigh neigh that lives north of nowhere.

This isn’t where I saw myself and I feel like time is running out. I keep forgetting being 19 isn’t the end, or nearing the end or it could be. Maybe it’s that the majority of my friends are considerably older than me and far more accomplished then I am, yet they’re seemingly in the same place. I didn’t see myself being anywhere, just not here.
A lot can happen in a year. I wonder what my life is like in comparison to others. The last year, all the dragons, happenings are never boring.

I wish we had a quota on suffering, that once we learned a hard life lesson we were done. What I fear most is not the actual happen but the inescapable suffocating impending doom.
In comparison, it never seemed worse than the dread.

In the end everything will be OK. If it’s not OK than it’s not the end.

I'm everyone.

Monday 19/01/2009
-Read water meters
-Set up meeting with Halford
-book in 3 major tenancy’s for inspection
-pretend to be working and completing the aforementioned tasks while secretly wallowing in self loathing about how unproductive and unmotivated I am.

“hey miss..

i need a demonstration on parking my car in one of three new car spaces you have provided..Car parks 84 and 85 and proving a little difficult to manouvre when the surrounding car parks are being used. Car park 86 while being the best is also proving a little hard to get out of when parks are being used on either side...

Is this just because we are girls.. I DON'T THINK SO..
is this just because we drive X - Trails... I DON'T THINK SO

i just need the demonstration... I THINK SO!!!
im not joking nicole!!

If you can prove to me that these car parks are not useless i will shut my mouth forever..

:)
What day is good for you??


Regards,
*********”

No one respects me.

Defeated.

My leg has not been working in the way that a leg should work, and I have been going to physio for it. Today when I went there the woman said that today would be trying to work out if there was a way that I was walking which was damaging my leg (which there is, which is caused by having a fucked back). She was all like, touching my feet, and stuff for like, a fucking hour. There is no way that you can get out of a situation like that without looking like a complete nut job.

I don’t think there has been a time when I have felt worse about myself, I’ve put on weight, I’m peeling like a lizard and I’ve got actual burns from super sunburn Saturday, I haven’t had a hair cut in like 6 months, all my clothes are old and tatty and now, after some woman spent an hour touching my feet I have ‘orthotic’ soles to put in my shoes.

My mind has spent the last week or so completely consumed by trying to work out how I could afford to buy an apartment. I’m starting to give up hope, I get a shit wage and no one will lend me a decent amount, I couldn’t afford to get a 2 bedroom place and I imagine it would be very lonely living by myself if something ever happened between Zap and I. I just wish that I could make shit like this happen. I could live there for a year – get the $14,000 first home buyers grant, sell it for a profit, use the money to go overseas.

The fucking nightmares are back. Jesus Christ life is so much better and easier without them.

To have more of a whinge, I’m feeling inspired for once but too fucking tired and without time to do anything with my ideas.

Nothing worth having comes easy.

The new survival of the fittest is to not die from drugs and alcohol.

I’m feeling happy.

Boyfriend and I, still great.

The nightmares are back, though bearable.

Need to work out the living situation. I wish to escape spending so much dead money. I should buy a house instead of a car, I want the car though, I feel like I’m missing out. Short term VS long term.

I want to travel, I want to see things, experience things.

So in theory, lets figure:

1) Yearly salary after tax
2) Deduct rent
3) Deduct amount for food/transport
4) Total – there still being a fat left.
5) Things to make you happy – drinking, cigarettes, bars, clubs, restaurants – per week
6) Total – what could afford to save each week.

So I could approximately save around $3000 a year.

I wish things were handed to me.

I’m still in holiday mode, and it sucks to be back at work. I just don’t know where to go from here. I enjoy this, but it just isn’t what I saw myself doing and I doubt I would be motivated enough to go to university. The mere idea of university is terrifying and overwhelming to me. It would be nice if I worked with people I got along with. Or if I could continue doing this job, get qualified, without going to university. I wish I had more motivation, I want to finish my portfolio, I want to make t-shirts!

The relationship with Zap, is by far the best I’ve ever had.

Tequila.

Nothing is to be took for granted.
I feel pathetic as in so much happ is based on that thing.
I know it won't last forever, and maybe this time round I have so much more to lose.
It's the Ok part that kills me, and how hard that is to find. I'm so happy but so impended.
I am, I am.. OK. it's a shame I can't take it for what it is and live in the moment instead of into the future where its changing and things are lost.
I try to remember that maybe I won't always want this window of time. Maybe in a frame I will look back and want to throw up on the memories of what I have now, but at the moment, it is so
right. Nothing lasts forever. Nothing ever will. Time to accept things change. Stop holding on.

It was pointed out that I am not standing still, as it feels. I have changed, friends have changed. Everything is different, nothing stays the same.

Its the crushing, impending that always gets me.

oh how to get rid of you.

without the pathetic

without the self involvement.

Everyone I have in my life I have made a conscious choice to be around, to include, to enjoy the time spent.

And to those lost, not forgotten.

To those gained, how long for.

She may not realise how much of an adverse reaction she has had on me, she never will. Just the fuck up. Both of you. I'd be better if you let me be.

Its time I should throw this type away.

As to cry, and type and burden my thoughts upon those that occasionally check.

Fuck this.

butter.

I'd rather not miss out, and sometimes things are OK.

No regrets, and no epic shit storm.

Just this expiry date that's playing on my mind. But not to equal any resentment.

Sometimes, I do make the right choices.

I'm sleeping well, thanks to new prescriptions and someone who keeps me in reality where things aren't so frightening.

Work, even, is going really well.

J is coming back on New Years Eve, 6am. She told me she was never coming back, then she said May, and then she said January 11th and now it is New Years Eve. There's less time to muster strength and prepare.

There has been far less nightmares lately, I worried about having them, I worried about losing them. At what point do things become boring?

I miss T* (a lot.).

R was at Stereosonic. I was reminded of incredibly relieved I am to not have to see his face anymore.

There was a flood, that swept away everything. Lost all, but gained some.

I am in love with Zap. Surprise.

Christmas is always really great. This will be the first year though, that I will not have a friendly steed to give a Christmas carrot to. I miss Count more then anything, it makes my heart hurt. Maybe having Zap will be an OK substitute, though he doesn't like carrots.

Tonight, I ate too much butter.